Playing with the Gender Spectrum

Hi Shawna,

I’ve recently realized that I like hooking up with guys. I don’t think I’m gay as I mostly like hooking up with people that identify as women and ask to be treated as women, they just happen to have cocks. Although I have a girlfriend that is very queer friendly I am wondering if I should bring it up with her? We’ve talked about having threesomes before, do I tell her this is something I’m into?

-CB

Hi CB,

Thanks for writing!  And what a good question!  I want to first say that I specialize in providing sexual health information, rather than advice.  That means,  I try and steer more towards information that is scientifically & medically accurate. Your question seems to be more of an advice type question.  Don’t worry,  I am going to give it my best shot.  In fact,  I am going to have one of New Generation Health Center’s AmeriCorps members help me answer the question.  Her name is Mei-Lani and she is a super knowledgeable Health Educator.

If you have more questions or want more information,  please let me know.  I will do my best to answer or point you in the direction of someone and/or somewhere that can better answer your question.  This is a very good question that has so many possible answers!  First and foremost,  I am a big advocate for communication.  Being open and honest gives everyone the opportunity to make the best decision for themselves as possible.  That being said,  it means being prepared for whatever decision that other person makes.

Let’s break this down a bit.  You have a girlfriend who is queer friendly.  That’s awesome but that doesn’t necessarily mean she will take this news very easily.  Does she know you have been hooking up with other people at all???  That might be the first place to start.  Open relationships can be challenging and aren’t for everybody,  but those who have had successful open relationships often credit honesty and good communication.  It’s important so that everyone feels like their needs are being met and that sexual safety issues are addressed.
It’s also important to acknowledge if you like hooking up with female identified people with male anatomy,  your girlfriend may feel inadequate or unable to completely sexually satisfy you.  During a discussion about this,  you could re-affirm your feelings for her (and attraction to her!) and be loving and supportive if/when she feels insecure or angry.

When starting this conversation with your partner,  it’s important to take it slow.  It sounds like you have a few things to talk about with your girlfriend.  It could be helpful to break it into smaller topics,  like being an open relationship, being sexually attracted to people with a different gender identity, and having a threesome.  Try taking each topic like a different step and then gauge your girlfriend’s thoughts and feelings to each one.

For instance,  rather than asking something,  “Hey ‘Suzy-Q,  how would you feel about a threesome with a male-bodied person who identifies as a woman?,”  you could first ask,  “Hey what are your thoughts on gender? I think it’s more of a spectrum,  especially since it’s self-identified.”  This can open up the discussion about your girlfriend’s ideas and comfort level to your broadening sexual attractions.  From there you can feel out when the time is right to bring up your other topics on an open relationship or on a threesome.

You might find that you have more topics to talk over with her or you might feel like it could be easier to talk about an open relationship before talking about your new found sexual attraction (by the way, I think it’s great that you are really listening to yourself and letting yourself be who you really are!).

For each of these topics, really take a moment to think about what each topic brings up for you.

  • What are your beliefs?
  • What would this mean for your relationship towards your girlfriend?  Do you want to see other people?  How would things be different?  How would they be the same?
  • What are her thoughts?
  • What does this mean for your relationship from her point of view?  Will things change?  What kind of changes would those look like?
Also remember,  that these topics might come up as a surprise for her.  She might not have an opinion right away and when she does sort out her thoughts,  they might be different from yours.  Make sure that you both can honestly communicate how you each feel about things,  but be prepared that this might change your relationship,  for better or for worse.

Okay CB,  this response is getting rather long and I hope I didn’t lose you.  I just want to add that we do have psychologist here at New Gen and we also have lots of other resources to help facilitate this conversation if you’d like.  Keep us posted!

In happiness & health,

Shawna & Mei-Lani

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