My girlfriend told me she wanted to take things slow and not have sex yet (although I really want to have sex with her, I am totally cool with that). Well last night we were drinking and she wanted to have sex. I told her that I didn’t think it was a good idea because of what she said before, so I said no and she got mad at me for rejecting her. Was that the wrong thing to do?
Short answer: no. That was exactly the right thing to do!
Using drugs or alcohol can make decisions like that very confusing. That’s because it changes the way we think! Unfortunately, it causes us to forget or ignore things we know and act in a way we normally don’t. Drinking may have caused her to forget all of the reasons she wanted to wait in the first place!
It sounds like it would be a really good idea to talk to her again sometime in a calm situation when you are both sober and explain why you said no. I think, most likely, she will respect your decision; because really, your decision was only to respect her decision! And that is a great quality in any partner that you should be proud of. That said, in the moment it probably felt bad for her. You could try acknowledging her feelings of rejection and reminding her how much you care about her, and that you said no because you care about her. Also, remind her that sex will be so much better for the both of you if neither of you are impaired by drugs or alcohol.
Finally, I just want to point out a legal issue. This may not be a concern for you, but for other readers I want to set the record straight. If someone says YES to sex while drunk, high or otherwise impaired, it DOES NOT COUNT AS “CONSENT”. That means you can be charged for rape, especially if the person previously said “no”.
I hope that answered your question. If you want to let us know how your conversation goes, send us another email!
In happiness & health,
Shawna & Christa